I will always be punishing myself because i can''t
seem to repent for being a piece of shit. I was just
trying to have a family, but in my failure, I now know
that I don't deserve to have a family.
I came to you with the biggest olive branch i could find and you
held on to it. I thought i'd done good till
you strung me up from it.
How many mornings of waking up to the sounds of
her in you, of my things thrown, hitting the wall,
sliding to the floor.
I wish it was me, like it was before
like a sick dog 'needs to be beat
to understand you'll never love it.
If you knew how much it meant to me,
would that change anything,
or somehow prove me only less deserving?
Ain't never been a person i let in
who didn't figure how to break the system.
i got every name you ever said i was still in my head,
and i say each one before administering another
treatment.
And every day, pulled from my dreams to my names,
i wonder, could this day bethe day.
i swallow hard, get messed up
you don't notice
you are not thinking about
what a fucking whore i am
anymore, but i am
always, endlessly
every name, and i pray
that one day, none of this will
be enough, and like before youll
get me on the floor to teach
me everything i still can't seem to glean
about you- my family,
and things i don't deserve.